Who do you think you are, Jose’!?
An original screenplay by David Orth
Fade in:
EXT.—THE OUTSIDE OF CROC”S
HOUSE—DAY
The yard of a house in
The
laborer toiling away in the yard is named RICARDO, who is exhausted from having
worked all day. He came in early, as part of an agreement with the house’s
owner, MR. WALLACE, so that he could go to his daughter Maria’s birthday party.
CUT TO:
EXT-DOOR
TO CROC’S HOUSE—DAY
MR.
WALLACE emerges from the front door, talking on his cel
phone, dressed impeccably and looking rushed. He breezes past Ricardo working
in the yard, spraying plants with a hose.
MR. WALLACE
I don’t
care if it’s $76 per bottle! This isn’t a wedding reception in for common poor
people! My sister deserves the best. Now I want 14 cases of the chardonnay; one
bottle for guests to drink during the dinner, one to be put in the box with the
inscription to take home as a memento. Cost is not an issue. Hey, I have to
run, gotta get to the meeting. Don’t call me if
anything comes up, just charge it.
RICARDO
Excuse
me, senior…
MR. WALLACE
Ahh, hello, Jose.
RICARDO
It’s
Ricardo…I was wondering…
MR. WALLACE
(interrupting,
looking at his watch)
Yes, yes,
what do you want?
RICARDO
Mr.
Wallace, sir, you said yesterday I could go home early today. It is my baby
girl’s fourth birthday.
MR. WALLACE
OK. Are
you done with everything?
RICARDO
Yes Sir.
MR. WALLACE
(looking
around at the yard)
Those
gardenias have seen better days, but I guess you can go home. Just come in
early tomorrow. (Starts to walk away)
RICARDO
Sir, you
said you could pay me…
CUT
TO:
EXT--MR.
WALLACE OPENING HIS CAR DOOR--DAY
MR. WALLACE
(yelling)
I told
you, you’ll get paid on Monday!
CUT
TO:
EXT—RICARDO
IN THE YARD, STILL HOLDING THE SPRAYING HOSE--DAY
RICARDO
Sir, you
still owe me for 16 hours of work from last week. You said last week you could
pay me before Maria’s birthday. I have no money to get her a present.
MR. WALLACE
(walking
towards RICARDO, irritated)
How is
that my problem? Look, I don’t have time to get caught up in the details of
your personal life; I have a very important meeting to go to, and I’m running
late as it is
RICARDO
Sir,
please, my Maria…
MR. WALLACE
(storming
over to RICARDO)
Damn it,
I told you I don’t have time for this today! HERE! (He gives RICARDO a wad of
cash from his wallet.)
RICARDO
Sir,
thank you!
CUT TO:
EXT—MR.
WALLACE WALKS TOWARDS HIS CAR AGAIN—DAY
RICARDO
(yelling)
SIR! I do
not mean to bother you, but there is only $23 here. I can not buy my Maria the
Barbie doll and video game she wants with $23.
MR. WALLACE
(angry,
walking towards RICARDO)
What’s with
you people? I give you money and you want more!
RICARDO
Sir, I
only want my 16 hours of pay from last week!
MR. WALLACE
Look, I’m
a little low on cash. Here, here’s another twenty. Now I’m late for a big
meeting and I have to go! Good day!
RICARDO
(wailing)
Sir, you
owe me $96… this is only $43. I have to eat…
MR. WALLACE
(fuming)
First you
have to buy your daughter a birthday present, now you have to eat?!? Hey,
jackass, do you not understand English? While you’re standing there covered in
mud, smelling like a mule, people are waiting for me. IMPORTANT
people. I don’t wear a new Armani every damn day, you know.
CUT TO:
EXT--A CAR
PULLS UP WITH RICARDO’S BOSS INSIDE. HE HEARS MR. WALLACE YELLING AND STEPS OUT
OF HIS CAR—DAY
BOSS
What
seems to be the trouble, sir?
MR. WALLACE
Senior-No-Comprende-Engles here thinks he can skip out early with his
paycheck for a half-done job!
BOSS
Is this
true, Ricardo?
RICARDO
I have
worked here all day. I came in early as part of an agreement so that I could go
to my little Maria’s birthday party. Mr. Wallace owes me for 16 hours…
MR. WALLACE
(shouting)
WHICH I
PAID HIM FOR!!!
RICARDO
Only $43!
MR. WALLACE
(pulling
out his PDA)
That’s
$2.69 an hour! Which is $2.68 cents more an hour than you’re worth, I might
add!
RICARDO
(trembling)
Sir, I do
not understand. I come here, I work hard...
MR. WALLACE
(fake
sobbing)
Yo
Maria El Birthday grande gato
Una Mas Taco Bell…
RICARDO
turns to speak to his BOSS, and accidentally sprays a bit of water on MR.
WALLACE’S sport coat.
MR. WALLACE
(furious
indignation)
You ass!
You got a tiny bit of water on my new suit! Do you know how much this suit
costs? You could work for me for a year and still not be able to afford it!
BOSS
At what you’re
paying him, no wonder.
MR. WALLACE
WHAT DID
YOU SAY? Oooh... never mind! Give me the damned hose!
MR.
WALLACE grabs for the hose RICARDO is holding, who backs up
CUT TO:
EXT—MR
WALLACE is trying to get the hose from RICARDO while BOSS looms in the
background, surveying the situation—DAY
RICARDO
I am
sorry, sir!
MR. WALLACE
I don’t
want this monkey running around with a hose anywhere near me while I have this
suit on! I’m late for a huge meeting! Now GIVE IT TO ME!
RICARDO
But.. bu…
ENDING #1: POETIC JUSTICE
BOSS
(winking
at RICARDO)
You heard
him, Ricardo. He wants the hose? Give it
to him.
RICARDO
(shrugging
dramatically)
Oooh,
Ok! You want the hose? Fine! I’ll give you the hose. You asked for it…
RICARDO
hands Mr. Wallace the hose.
MR. WALLACE
(spraying
RICARDO with the hose in the face and body until he falls over)
Ha!
Here’s a shower! You needed it!
RICARDO
(sobbing,
drenched)
No! No!
MR. WALLACE
(stooping
over to collect the sopping wet cash Ricardo has dropped.)
I’ll be
taking this! Consider it payment for the 4 minutes you delayed me getting to my
meeting! As for your daughter’s party, consider your recent shower a gift to
her and your whole family!
RICARDO
(wailing)
Maria!
Maria!
CUT TO:
EXT—MR.
WALLACE drives off in his sports sedan
FADE OUT:
Ending
#2: Ironic Twist
BOSS
(winking
at RICARDO)
You heard
him, Ricardo. He wants the hose? Give it
to him.
RICARDO
(shrugging
dramatically)
Oooh,
Ok! You want the hose? Fine! I’ll give you the hose. You asked for it…
RICARDO
hands MR. WALLACE the hose.
MR.
WALLACE takes the hose and sprays BOSS in the face and rest of the body until
he topples over.
MR. WALLACE
(triumphantly)
That’s
for ever convincing me to hire this idiot!
MR.
WALLACE shoves RICARDO down and takes the money he was holding.
MR. WALLACE
I’ll be
taking this! Consider it payment for the 4 minutes you delayed me getting to my
meeting!
BOSS
(sputtering)
Maria!
Maria!
CUT TO:
EXT—MR.
WALLACE drives off in his sports sedan
FADE OUT: