Hi all! And welcome to What's News?!? A stupid trendy little online 'zine that will last maybe 2 issues, and die. I really wanted to do this a while ago, but got all lazy or too busy learning the silly little vi editor.
:wq :w :wq! /quit .quit man vi

Goodness from your Grocer.

To Smurfberry Crunch, my heart be true,
It stains my teeth both red and blue.

I noticed the other day in one of my pointless wanderings of Meijer's Dept. store that they now sell a product called "Ooops! We Goofed Capt. Crunch!", which is basically a box of nothing *but* Crunch Berries. Apparently, the General Mills factory really screwed up, and filled a whole run of boxes with nothing but the overcolored little crunch berry thingies. Rather than swallow their losses and move on, it's been cleverly repackaged and sold, much akin to the Keebler Company selling floor sweepings from the Oreo factory as "Oreo Bits". One can only wonder what General Mills would do if a similar thing were to happen and an entire run of Lucky Charms were to be filled with nothing but the little anti-marshmellows. "I Can't Believe It's Cereal" or maybe "Whoops-damn! Did We Ever Screw Up Lucky Charms!" comes to mind...

Colour thee trendie
Growing up, things sure seemed simpler. Back before this whole "Information Superhighway" thing, if you will, and back before things went all hi-tech. Why, just the other day, I saw a wristwatch with a *calculator* on it! It was being worn by-- you guessed it- some smart mouthed teenager with a pager. Aside from looking like a jerk for flaunting that kind of money around so carelessly, I wonder if the young man realized he was opening himself to getting beat over the head and robbed? When I approached him about it, he seemed entirely non-chalant.
"It's no big deal... my shoes cost $45"
When he saw my incredulous reaction, he smirked and added "each".

Yes, life was simpler when I was young. School was sure simpler.. all we had to worry about was gangs, drugs, and getting stabbed. Kids weren't freaking out with semi-automatic guns back when I was in high school.

There was a certain way to do things. If someone wanted your phone #, you gave it in this format:
(513) 422-0987
If someone wanted the date written down, it was:
January 15th, 1987. or, if you felt like getting to the point:
01/15/1987.

I had something come across my computer in the form of "electronic mail" (or, "E-Mail" for you techno-jargon enabled) that listed the phone number like this:
508.866.1294
and it was dated, too, like:
02.03.98
Which, I was informed later by some hi-tech guru (who had not one but *two* phone lines at home) that "That's the way Europeans do it."
Well, excuuuuse me! The last time I checked, this was still America. The Europeans only bathe once every full moon, too, but I'm not going to adopt that just because it's trendy to do.
The point is, if we accept 508.866.1295 as a format for phone numbers, how long will it be until it becomes just 5088661295? Or maybe:
8661295508
(because the Europeans now put their area code LAST).

Well, that's all the ranting I have for now. Now I'm headed out to work on an invention idea I have. I can't say much about it, other than wow, it's gonna be *awesome*. Well.. maybe I can say a few things. You know how annoying it is when hot steam escapes from a microwave popcorn bag? Don't you think it's time someone did something about it other than put a warning sign on the side of the bag? That's all I'm going to say: otherwise, someone is going to steal my idea. Not that anyone would think of putting an envelope of inert gas between the popcorn and the actual opening, to insulate and cool the hot air as it escapes.

Well, that's all for now! Until next time, may the ghosts of your ancestors hover above you in bed and smile down at you as you sleep. -D. Orth